his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I AM VODKA MAN
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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