Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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