I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You made out with two different species that night
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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