I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
