Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
