I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
