I'm really into asian looking animals
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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