I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
My butt remains clenched, sir.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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