There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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