i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
