Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Randomize
