oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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