I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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