What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
no you cant smoke seaweed
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
