upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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