I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
