I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
