Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
