I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
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