My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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