my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
where are my eyebrows?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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