I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
