At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
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