Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
