i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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