My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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