You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
