She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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