Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
