i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
