I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
