i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
