Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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