Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
