Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
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