Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
We are all done wearing pants today
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
