I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
apparently the secret to your success is patron
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
