i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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