I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
