Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
