Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
