my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
