i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
