i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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