She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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