He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
