It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
