I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
