make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
