Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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