just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
