how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
