im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
